Tuesdays at Ipster Cafe: Zika Zombie Apocalypse

Aug 30, 2016 10.30AM |

by Joshua Ip

BLOCK 102 Aljunied Crescent – where it all began
Where patient zero hit the ground, and shuddering, rose again
The woman moaned an undead groan that echoed through her flat
A female mozzie bit her, and moved on – and that was that.

The lone mosquito buzzed her way down storey after storey
Zoomed in on a construction worker housing dormitory
And made her bloody evening meal without wiping her mouth
On forty resting workers – that’s where everything went south

It began with fever, spreading rashes, muscles and joint pain
All symptoms of the virus taking root inside the brain
The dormitory door swings forth, they spilled out like a flood
Inheriting the humble mozzie’s taste for human blood

They tackle blur pedestrians and sink teeth into their veins
Saliva enters bloodstream as their victims scream in pain
Then scream turns into moan as yet another anguished soul
Reanimates as one more hungry, shambling, mindless ghoul

Citizens flee as this slow-moving plague spreads into Geylang
Aided by zombie mosquitoes sucking fresh blood like tulang
Soon walkers of the night are wall to wall in every lorong
Shambling shoulder to shoulder in an undead gotong royong

The Singapore Police, although no longer wearing shorts
Are ill equipped to fight mosquitoes, let alone a walking corpse
Their short-sleeved shirts do not avert a single buzzing bite
So they call in the whole army, change to long four! Overnight!

Rumors spread faster than the zombie curse: “It’s pandemonium!
They’ve makaned all Old Airport Road! They’re swarming past the Stadium!”
The generals curse, they fear the worst, their orders are chapalang:
“Blow the Merdeka bridge, my boys! We’ll hold them at the Kallang!”

An overstretched defence line forms along the CTE
North to Seletar Reservoir, South to the PIE
Then southwards down the Kallang till it forms Marina Bay
For Serangoon is all walking, and Hougang not far away

And all the East is teeming with an undead zombie mass
Survivors flee to MRTs for evacuation west
The Changi Airport fences are a temporary haven
The government mounts a rescue effort by 747

Across the river, NSFs don their chemical defence gear
The bite of an undead mosquito is their greatest fear
The buzzing is now audible, their hearts are all a-flutter…
Till Bzzt! Steps forth an auntie armed with an electric swatter.

“Ah boy, mian kia! Auntie lai liao!” At every battle station
The line is reinforced by our pioneer generation
Dual-wielding Baygon tubes, swinging swatters about
Uncles and aunties doing the 5-step mozzie wipe out

The NSFs advance, the human army of the west
Headshotting zombies with their skills drilled in an FPS
They pause to put down a brigade of infected zombie otters
While all the aunties empty out the pools of stagnant water

Our scientists send sterile mozzie males on the attack
Because poor Singaporeans are not known for having sex
They will cockblock the zombie stock, their numbers will not grow –
Reduce the mozzie TFR to under 2.0

Between the science and NS boys and aunties on patrols
The living push the dead back into Pasir Ris-Punggol
We’re winning, cry the analysts, observing their diagnostics
As an active-aging grandma crushes mozzies with her chopsticks

And as the armies finally establish their position
Some minister thinks: “Ah, Aljunied. Can blame the opposition.”
But in his ear, the buzzing whisper of a helpful aide:
“Sir, cannot lah, Aljunied Crescent’s in Marine Parade”


Featured image by Sean Chong.

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