June 25, 2017

Tags Posts tagged with "kim jong un"

kim jong un

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by Bertha Henson

LUXURIATING in his favourite place, Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump decides to make a long-distance phone call. He knows it will be a historic moment, hence the gawkers in his playground watching the President do his thing.

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Trump: Hiyah Kim, old buddy, how’s the famine coming along? I mean, family.

Kim: Bzzzccckrracccc

Trump: I can’t hear you. The Chinese… they’re wiretapping you huh? Well, the Russians are listening in to mine. Plus the CIA, NSA, FBI and a whole lot of fellas.

Kim: Brzzzcckkk… hell…. oh… brrccsssk

Trump: I’m just calling to tell you that Carl Vinson is going to your part of town. The boat, not the congressman. Michigan as well. The boat, not the state. Just me trying to tell you not to play with your nukes…Okay, buddy?

Kim: Brrrzzzccckk… reta… ccckkk… ate… brrrcsssk live… brrcsk miss…

Trump: You ate what? Missed me? Aw shucks. I’ll come over if you like, but you seriously have got to calm down. You’re making Seoul so nervous. The Japs are jumpy too. We’re all coming to get you.

Kim: Brrzzzccck….Beijing…bbrrzzz military..brrrzzzccckkkkk

Trump: Your buddy Beijing? Hey, they’re just making noises. They don’t even want your coal. And they’ve already said they don’t mind a surgical strike. So I’m thinking of doing a Syria on you.

Kim: Brrzzccchhh…doing sixth missile test. You don’t frighten me, Mr Trump. Pyongyang will not succumb to threats by the hegemonic United States.

Trump: You must be using an iPhone… I can hear you perfectly well. Made-in-America? Anyway, I don’t mean to frighten you. I’m not a frightening person. I just sack people, evict them, defame them, insult them and put up walls to keep them outside. I don’t kill people. You, on the other hand…

Kim: It is the prerogative of a sovereign nation to protect itself against outside threats. Our nuclear missiles are not offensive weapons even though they have weird names. They are also meant for decorative purposes at military parades, of which I have many.

Trump: Hmm… I hear you’re even aiming them at Darwin in Australia. What have you got against kangaroos and sheep?

Kim: Who is a sheep? I am Kim Jong Un, all-powerful leader of the hermit kingdom. I am prepared for all-out war. My people are hungry but my military is strong. We have good missiles which sizzle even when they fizzle. We are now putting up a live-firing display to welcome your boats.

Trump: If you’ve got missiles…why are you detaining US citizens? That’s not playing fair. You’re not going to poison them like you did with your half-brother at the KL airport right?

Kim: They are alive. I need hostages who can act as my shield. Also, I would like some US currency and an iPhone or two.

Trump: You wanna do a deal? I can throw in a free trip to Disneyland for you and you can stay at one of my hotels. Okay?


Trump: Kim? Is that one of my guys hitting a bullseye?

Kim: No. One of my guys. Misfired.


Featured image by Sean Chong.

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by Ernest Goh & Sean Chong

MR DONALD Trump has said that he has “no problem” speaking to North Korea despot Kim Jong Un. He’d like to get Mr Kim to stop the country’s nuclear programme, and would do so by exerting pressure on China if he’s elected President of the United States. It’s not the most original idea, but at least the two can talk about other things. Fun times.


Featured image by Sean Chong.

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A Casio digital watch showing 8:30 by Shawn Danker
A Casio digital watch showing 8:30

IT’S a hazy, lazy Saturday morning, with the 24-hour Pollutant Standards Index (PSI) at 74-81 as of 7am… and trending upwards.

Greece will likely join Singapore in having its Elections soon after Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras quit his post in a bid to strengthen his anti-austerity coalition. The coalition began to fragment as the Prime Minister signed off on a new bailout programme, seemingly breaking his promise to end austerity. He nonetheless remains popular and will be seeking a fresh mandate from the people, after just seven months in the Prime Minister seat, to continue his plans for Greek reform.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has mobilised his military for war after an exchange for artillery fire with the south. According to Seoul, the North fired four shells on Thursday in protest of the South’s propaganda broadcast towers, which are set up on the South’s side of the demilitarized zone (DMZ). South Korea returned fire with 29 shells.

There’s blood on the trading floor, as the Straits Times Index (STI) drops 1.2 per cent of its value to close at 2,971.01, falling below the psychological 3,000 mark. This caps off a week-long slide of 4.6 per cent following a string of bad news from China. Global markets were in the red too yesterday: Wall Street lost 2.06 per cent and the Shanghai Composite Index (SCI) fell by 4.27 per cent, while Australian equities took a 1.4 per cent fall.

There will be more places for polytechnic graduates to go to university soon as the Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT) and SIM University (UniSIM) are set to expand their offering of degree courses over the next few years. A central campus has also been mooted for SIT, which currently operates out of satellite campuses in five polytechnics. Full-time university entrants increased from 30 to 32 per cent of the cohort last year, and Education Minister Heng Swee Keat hopes to hit 40 per cent by 2020. Including part-time degrees at UniSIM, the rate is probably going to hit 50 per cent by 2020. Will this mean an expanding paper chase or a race for better skills?


Featured image by Shawn Danker.

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